This picture. It was supposed to be the beginning of a joyful and wonderful experience for Fred, myself and our families. It was supposed to be a continuation of our family and the first of many happy memories...
Instead it is the reminder of a very scary and confusing time. A time I will never forget. Another loss, so soon after the loss of my father...the first time I am ever pregnant, and I lose the baby.
I didn't even know I was pregnant and as soon as I found out things started to go wrong...
No time to be excited. No time to think about the future...
November 5th-13th I experience what every women does (usually) every month. No need to think anything was, well anything but normal.
November 15th- my 28th birthday- I still feel like you do before starting your monthly "gift"- I felt really weird. Fred joked that I was probably pregnant. "No way," was my response...so I took a test to shut him up...
It was positive.
"Holy shit!" I screamed.
November 16th- bleeding again...something is wrong. The doctors office won't even believe I am pregnant.
"It doesn't sound likely that you ARE pregnant," the nurse scoffed, "No one has eight days of bleeding and then a positive test..."
Well, apparently- they do.
The next forty-eight hours seemed to last a month. I needed to get my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy (and yes that nurse had a very different attitude once the test results came back, apparently you can have a period and still be pregnant...). Then I needed to repeat the test to see if the numbers were going up (a viable pregnancy) or if they were going down (signaling a miscarriage). I knew the results would indicate the later- but knowing did not soften the blow when it was confirmed. I cried for hours. I didn't even know I wanted a baby so bad until I was losing mine.
The next two weeks were a blur. I bled for 12 days...had painful contractions and on November 19th (at least as far as I could tell) officially miscarried. However, I still did not know if the bleeding was "taking care" of everything or if I would need a D&N.
Today I found out my miscarriage has been completed naturally and I will not need a D&C. I am extremely relieved that physically this is over...now the emotional healing can begin.
I'm still sad, I think I will always be. I had never been pregnant before and being pregnant (for the short 5 weeks that I was) has changed my view of a lot of things. I have no doubt I will forever be changed by this experience. I found out I was pregnant and then not even 24 hours later I found out that soon I wouldn't be.
I wasn't going to say anything to most people and certainly not on a blog post! But, once I had a moment of closure I realized keeping things bottled up inside and not telling people (at least for me) prevents healing. Secrets can never foster support or understanding from others. And honestly I am not writing this to get support or "kind words" or for others to feel bad for me. In fact, I don't feel much like talking about it to anyone but my husband- which is why I haven't told most people. However, getting this off my chest through the written word is healing for me- I am putting it out into the universe and off of my chest and I am doing it for me, no one else. This blog is my diary and the only person that can decide its contents, is me.
People can think what they want about it. I really don't care. It is not their news to share or their situation to heal from, it is ours and ours alone.
Time will go on and we will heal, I have no doubt. Time will wear the edges off this loss and hopefully the loss of my father as well. And one day I hope we can look back at this and realize it was necessary to appreciate what we have. But, until that day comes we are taking it one day at a time.
I love this little life. I loved it before I even knew it existed and I will love he or she as long as I live. Somewhere I hope that little light is shining with its grandfathers and watching over your us. Some day I hope to meet them and look at the beautiful face that never got to be.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down the date of my baby's birth and softly whispered as she closed the book- "too beautiful for this earth." -Author Unknown
