A very difficult June

The last two months have been quite the rollarcoaster. On Mother's Day I found out that I was pregnant for the second time with, what we hoped to be, our first child. We were overjoyed. The pregnancy was textbook and everything was going very well up until my 8th week. Then, as suddenly as it could have happened, things started to go wrong. On June 6th Fred and went to the doctors office and saw our baby in an ultrasound- heart beating and looking beautiful. However, the doctor warned that there were some areas of concern and that he was not sure (50/50) how this pregnancy was going to go. And on June 8th after a night of a lot of pain we returned for a second ultrasound where we again saw our beautiful baby, only this time with no heartbeat. It was devastating.

There is nothing like having your entire life and future turned upside down in an instant. I remember this feeling all too well from last fall when I had the first miscarriage and lost my father within 6 weeks of each other. It feels as if someone has reached inside your body and squeezed your heart- it is the true definition of what heart-break feels like. Your chest aches and you are overcome with a feeling of loss and hopelessness.

After talking to the doctor I chose not to have a D & C and let things happen naturally.

So, after a very rough week my husband and I decided to continue on our vacation that we planned two months prior to the west and northern parts of Michigan. We desperately needed the time away and the time together. We started out the trek by going to Silver Lake and visiting the Silver Lake Sand Dunes. Silver Lake was beautiful and had a wonderful state park where we also stopped and had a picnic lunch.

After lunch we decided it was Dune time!
I was pooped after climbing up the dune!!! Going from three days of bed-rest and pregnant to climbing a huge sand dune is...interesting...

Then it was on to our first "official" destination, Ludington. The major draw to this area was the small town feel and the Ludington State Park- voted the Best State Park in the mid-west....and I can totally see why!

Below is the adorable and comfortable little motel in downtown Ludington. This motel will forever be remembered by us as it was the place where we said our final goodbyes to our baby...

The lighthouse in Ludinton- a 1/2 mile down the pier off of Ludington Beach.

Ludington State Park- where we hiked and fished and enjoyed the outdoors. It was a very, very foggy day and a bit colder than we would have liked- but we made the most of it and had a good time.
Fred fishing in Hamlin Lake

Then it was off to Traverse City, but we took our time and stopped in Manistee on the way up- here Fred and I are on the Manistee River.

Stopping at another state park on our way up to have another picnic lunch - while we looked out at Lake Michigan.

Our first night in Traverse City we took in the sunset and a hot air balloon show on West Grand Traverse Bay.

The next day we explored the Pierce Stocking Scenic Drive which gave us some amazing views of Sleeping Bear Dunes, Lake Michigan and the surrounding forest area.

the most beautiful views of Lake Michigan....

we loved the forest and interesting trees....

We spent the second night in Traverse City on Old Mission Peninsula's Harbor Bay enjoying a beautiful, yet cloudy, sunset.

Our third day in Traverse City we explored more of the Old Mission and Leelanau Peninsulas- above is Fred getting friendly near a 200 year old tree in Northport, Leelanau

Standing at the 45th parallel (half way between the equator and north pole)...there signs about it everywhere but I was like "yeah, and?!?!" lol!

We ended our trip the next day by taking a route home through the Manistee National Forest area where we spent some time on the various lakes and Fred caught a fish :)
Then it was back home and back to reality. The trip was exactly what we needed- time away, time for quite and spending time together away from all the craziness at home. But, coming home was hard. I cried when we stepped foot in the house remembering all that had happened two weeks prior. I have a hard time entering our spare bedroom, where we already had a few things bought for Baby.

I know time will make everything easier. One thing this has taught us is that we are closer than ever and we want the same things in life, which is wonderful. But, it is still hard and there is still a deep sadness about loosing another baby. But, we have to believe that one day things will work out- whether its having a child and everything being wonderful or finding out that maybe our lives were meant to be different then we thought. But no matter what, with children or childless, we will be happy- I know it.

Freedom!!!

Whew! what a relief...my husband I can can officially say this month that were are out of credit card debt!!! (yay!!! times a thousand!). We still have a loan to a relative we are paying off but this, being a direct withdrawal, will be over in August as well : )

Prior to the last couple years I was never one to rack up any credit card debt. I was the "envelope" girl. I would put something on my credit card and then put the money to pay it off in an envelope...and then at the end of the month I would pay it off...in full of course! Yeah, until REAL life came knocking! lol!

Graduate school time came. Fred and I were living together and I was highly encouraged NOT to work during this time by the school. Well, of course looking back on it I COULD have worked and SHOULD have worked...but I took the guidance of the school and put all of my energy into my coursework. It paid off in most respects. I kept a 3.96 GPA, I got a 12 credit per semester scholarship for the entire four semesters of my program, and I believe being a good student was what landed me the job I currently possess at the school. But, not working for two years did come at a price.

My husband (fiance at the time) makes a moderate living -average for the area we were living in. However, as most families know these days one income is not usually enough to support two or more people. And in this case it came close, but we ended up using the credit card for groceries for almost two years. Yikes, I know. But, no big deal, we thought. I'll graduate and get a high paying job soon after and we'll be fine. Again...until reality struck!

The very month of graduation my husband and I went on our long awaited honeymoon to Greece. A trip we had saved and budgeted for, for a year and a half. We did NOT put this trip on our credit cards. We had enough saved to pay of the trip in its entirety...or so we thought... Six days into our trip I came down with a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis). Now, a clotting condition runs in my family but I was told prior to leaving for this trip that I tested NEGATIVE for this clotting disorder. The lab results were read wrong. While we did purchase trip insurance it was only enough to cover MY expenses in Greece for an extra 12 days, not my husbands. And, at a time like that, you certainly do not want to leave your loved one half way around the world, sick and alone. So, screw credit card debt. He stayed with me and it cost us.

At the time the Euro/ US dollar exchange was $1.50. So, for every dollar my loving husband spent to stay with me, we ended up paying a dollar and a half. When we returned we found ourselves deep in a type of debt I had never known before and with jobs scarce (I did not obtain full time employment until fourteen months post graduation, EVEN with my stellar grades and resume...it just didn't matter. This was Michigan and we're in a recession) we were in pretty deep. I would sob on my way into work while the creditors called my cell phone telling me what a horrible human being I was and how irresponsible I was. I now understood why people do such drastic things to get out of debt. It feels HORRIBLE. It feels like a bull standing on your chest that you feel responsible for putting there yet know that was not your intention at all. Did we rack up debt buying things we couldn't afford? Not really.

Sure, we should have not taken a trip to Greece and instead used that money to supplement our income. But at the time we made these choices it was before the bottom fell out in the economy. MANY people made choices thinking things would stay the way they were...but they were wrong and so were we. Did we go to Greece expecting to rack up thousands in debt because of a massive medical condition? Certainly not! I was told I did not have a clotting disorder before leaving. That mistake costs us thousands...triple the debt we had leaving for Greece...now was that our fault? No.

Now that we are on the other side we have set ourselves on a strict budget. And that is much easier to do now that our income has more than doubled. We spend less than we make and we're careful about our choices. We have not been on a real vacation since Greece and I don't know when we'll be able to take one. We take short trips in our state and save our money...because we are being responsible. What this lesson has taught me is that debt and bankruptcy and mismanagement of money is not always because people are irresponsible or buy things they can't afford. Sometimes people make calculated decisions and take calculated risks (like the risk to have another baby, or go back to school, or stop working to be a stay at home mom or dad) and sometimes it just doesn't work out. And sometimes your life doesn't go as planned.

Sometimes both people lose their jobs and can't get new ones for a year or longer...sometimes people get sick and can't work...but will your mortgage company or credit card companies care? Not one bit. All you can hope is if or when this happens you have been fortunate enough to be working long enough, and making enough, to have savings to fall back on. If you're in that position, you are better off than most and you should count your lucky stars. I think this is part of the reason my husband and I do not take our jobs for granted for one second. We may complain about being busy or having a rough week but we are so LUCKY to have decent paying, somewhat secure jobs in this economy. I will NEVER take that for granted. Because knowing the alternative is sometimes the only thing that makes you truly appreciate what you have.

New Planters

For my father's funeral we came away with some beautiful plants. Plant One (on the left) from the School of Social Work at Wayne State, where I work, and Plant Two (on the right) from the Schell family. As you can tell the plants are gorgeous but they were also very quickly outgrowing their pots. So, Fred and I went in search of some new pots. I thought with it being off season, we might find some on clearance- I really didn't want to spend a whole lot of money doing this.

We ended up finding the planters above at Home Depot for $.01. Yup, that's right- $.01!!! Well they were not the right color for our dining room, so we bought too cans of accent spray paint for stone in a dark brown texture- and for only $8 a can we could live with that. We spray painted the planters, added some more potting soil and viola! New larger homes for the plants for only $16.02. Not too shabby!

[Not so] good news...

This picture. It was supposed to be the beginning of a joyful and wonderful experience for Fred, myself and our families. It was supposed to be a continuation of our family and the first of many happy memories...

Instead it is the reminder of a very scary and confusing time. A time I will never forget. Another loss, so soon after the loss of my father...the first time I am ever pregnant, and I lose the baby.

I didn't even know I was pregnant and as soon as I found out things started to go wrong...

No time to be excited. No time to think about the future...

November 5th-13th I experience what every women does (usually) every month. No need to think anything was, well anything but normal.
November 15th- my 28th birthday- I still feel like you do before starting your monthly "gift"- I felt really weird. Fred joked that I was probably pregnant. "No way," was my response...so I took a test to shut him up...

It was positive.

"Holy shit!" I screamed.

November 16th- bleeding again...something is wrong. The doctors office won't even believe I am pregnant.

"It doesn't sound likely that you ARE pregnant," the nurse scoffed, "No one has eight days of bleeding and then a positive test..."

Well, apparently- they do.

The next forty-eight hours seemed to last a month. I needed to get my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy (and yes that nurse had a very different attitude once the test results came back, apparently you can have a period and still be pregnant...). Then I needed to repeat the test to see if the numbers were going up (a viable pregnancy) or if they were going down (signaling a miscarriage). I knew the results would indicate the later- but knowing did not soften the blow when it was confirmed. I cried for hours. I didn't even know I wanted a baby so bad until I was losing mine.

The next two weeks were a blur. I bled for 12 days...had painful contractions and on November 19th (at least as far as I could tell) officially miscarried. However, I still did not know if the bleeding was "taking care" of everything or if I would need a D&N.

Today I found out my miscarriage has been completed naturally and I will not need a D&C. I am extremely relieved that physically this is over...now the emotional healing can begin.

I'm still sad, I think I will always be. I had never been pregnant before and being pregnant (for the short 5 weeks that I was) has changed my view of a lot of things. I have no doubt I will forever be changed by this experience. I found out I was pregnant and then not even 24 hours later I found out that soon I wouldn't be.

I wasn't going to say anything to most people and certainly not on a blog post! But, once I had a moment of closure I realized keeping things bottled up inside and not telling people (at least for me) prevents healing. Secrets can never foster support or understanding from others. And honestly I am not writing this to get support or "kind words" or for others to feel bad for me. In fact, I don't feel much like talking about it to anyone but my husband- which is why I haven't told most people. However, getting this off my chest through the written word is healing for me- I am putting it out into the universe and off of my chest and I am doing it for me, no one else. This blog is my diary and the only person that can decide its contents, is me.

People can think what they want about it. I really don't care. It is not their news to share or their situation to heal from, it is ours and ours alone.

Time will go on and we will heal, I have no doubt. Time will wear the edges off this loss and hopefully the loss of my father as well. And one day I hope we can look back at this and realize it was necessary to appreciate what we have. But, until that day comes we are taking it one day at a time.

I love this little life. I loved it before I even knew it existed and I will love he or she as long as I live. Somewhere I hope that little light is shining with its grandfathers and watching over your us. Some day I hope to meet them and look at the beautiful face that never got to be.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down the date of my baby's birth and softly whispered as she closed the book- "too beautiful for this earth." -Author Unknown

Three years a charm

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our three year wedding anniversary. It was bittersweet in a way. We are both still very much mourning the loss of my father only two and a half weeks ago. We were both very close to him, he was a weekly, if not daily, part of our lives. To say life will return to "normal" one day is a drastic misunderstanding of the word. We will have to re-define normal from now on...and maybe that's ok.

These past three years have been pretty rough on us. We battled my health issues- partial hearing loss in my right ear followed by debilitating vertigo; a diagnosis of Celiac Disease (which people seem to think is the worst of my problems, it is by FAR the least of them); a DVT on our honeymoon followed by a diagnosis of not one but two and today we learned THREE genetic blood clotting disorders. We've also battled addiction issues and underwent marital counseling and came near seperating at one point in our marriage. However, I am happy to say we are happier and stronger now then we have ever been. We are even more in love and having gone through these struggles and triumphed through them together has made us not only love each other more, but develop a deep respect for each other as well.

Fred has been wonderfully supportive in the wake of my father's death. He lost his father at only 9 years old to Kindey Cancer. Now we both visit our father's graves and mourn together - saddly now being able to share that loss.

Its been rough, but I can honestly say we look at life now and stand together stronger than ever. We don't fear what life could throw at us or our marriage. We'll deal with it and get through it- that's what we do.

I miss you already

On September 25th my father, Linwood L. West Jr. passed away at 7:05pm.
He was 54 years old.

These past 9 days have been a blur. NOTHING in life can prepare you for a moment like that. Nothing can prepare you to hear, "he's gone," at the other end of the phone. Nothing can prepare you to reach out and touch your Father just to feel him already cold to the touch. No sooner was I clinging to my father in his hospital bed then talk began of the funeral. I found myself speaking to some funeral director named Robert at 2 o'clock in the morning and before I knew it I was in a funeral home picking out a casket and flower sprays and putting together photo collages. It was all a blur, a rush- time sped forward and went in slow-motion all at the same time.

I was still wrapping my head around what had happened but 'things' needed to be done. Soon I was at a cemetery picking out a plot and arranging for pall bearers and thinking about headstones. Next, I was shaking hands and giving hugs and hearing people say all of the things your supposed to say when someone dies. Then once again I was in the funeral directors office writing checks as large as my car loan and my husbands car loan put together.

SLOW DOWN! I what to scream! I need time. I need time to mourn. I need time to look at his face and imprint it in my memory because I will never see it again. I need time to figure out how I am going to move forward now that I am no longer a caregiver and I no longer have two living parents. I need time to figure out how to let him go and go on.

But it keeps on going, whether your ready for it to move forward or not, it just does.

I keep replaying the last week of his life over and over again in my mind. What did I do? What didn't I do? What should I have done? What should I have said? But, when it comes right down to it - it is too late. All I know is I wish I had one more hour with him or the opportunity to have one more conversation. I wanted him here to see his grandchildren one day! I just want him here. But, I also realize being here was painful for him and his life was filled day in and day out with pain - and as much as I want him here, I never wanted him to suffer.

I'm taking each day as it comes and getting through it the best I can. Some days are ok, some days are really hard. That's just how its going to be for awhile. I spent 9 years, 1/3 of my life care giving for my father. Being his caregiver was a large part of my identity, just as being a wife and daughter are - the adjustment is going to be huge.

All I know is- knowing your parents will die one day does not prepare you for it when it happens. Looking at funerals as an odd and somewhat morbid tradition (as I always have) is only because you have not experienced a true, life-altering loss. A loss of someone who was a daily part of your life, your being. The funeral could have lasted a month and it still would not have been enough time. It was not the grieving or the family and friends (although comforting and supportive) that I needed more of. I needed to be able to SEE him, in person and touch him, although it was very different. It was knowing when that casket closes I will only be left with pictures and memories. And pictures and memories, although wonderful, are not the same.

Now, when I visit a funeral I will truly know the costs involved and will give some small amount to the family if I can. It is disgusting how our society charges people who have just lost a loved one the price of a car for a proper funeral. When I say, "if you need anything," I will mean it, or I won't say it. Nothing has been worse than trying to contact people who have said that and not be able to get ahold of them. It makes those statements seem hollow and empty. But, most importantly I want to stop putting things off and taking things for granted. I want to stop waiting around for the 'right' time to do things. I want to slow down and be less concerned with my "to-do" list and more concerned with being genuine. I want to let go of grudges and just try to be a good person and love and be loved. I have no room in my heart for anything else right now.

I miss him so, so much already.

The visitation and funeral resulted in over 125 people coming by to pay their respects. Many of them didn't even know my father, but they knew me, or Fred or our family. I was sincerley touched and honored so many people took time out of their busy days to be with us. That love is what is getting me by right now.

People keep saying he will always be with me, and I know they are right.
But, really I would give almost anything right about now for just one last hug. Or as my Dad always said, one last "squeeze."

Chicago Trip 2010

My friend Brittani and I have been meaning to take a girls trip for about four years now. So finally, early this year we decided to take a trip to Chicago. I have family in Chicago, my cousin Tony, and they had just had a new baby boy that I was dying to see. So, we decided to go for a long weekend and spend one night with my family and the rest of the weekend living it up in the Windy City.

A photo of my cousin Tony and his wife Ann with my cousins Samuel (2) and William (3 months)



They have a beautiful home in East Village, above is the night-time view from their rooftop deck.




After leaving my cousins house we checked into our hotel The Tremont and then we went out to do some shopping! We each got a few cute things and then took a very long, yet scenic walk to the Navy Pier. Later, we headed back to the hotel to freshen up, had dinner at Carmine's Rosebud Restaurant and Brit got us tickets to my very first female impersonator show. I won't get into details but let's just say it was pretty awesome!
On to Saturday. We started the day with Spa treatments at Renew Spa on the Magnificent Mile and then headed to the Water Tower Mall to beat the rain and continue shopping. After we were finished, we went to dinner at Feast and attended a Jazz/Blues show later in the evening.
It was a great weekend with a good friend. We laughed, shopped, ate, drank and talked- most of my favorite things.

I can't wait to do it again some time...maybe next time we'll take on the Big Apple : )