Last year I wrote this post on December 18th 2008- this post was about reflecting on the year 2008 and all of its challenges and my hopes and resolutions for the coming year. I was determined 2009 would be a better year, and in all actuality it was!
9 Changes for '09 and where I stand today as I look 2010 in the face...
1. I will work to transform my body into being stronger, leaner and healthier.
Well, isn't this the resolution to break all over the country?!? 2009 started off great, I lost 15 pounds, most of my leg pain was gone and I was feeling great...but as the year wore on and some other issues cropped up in my life I let this slip...all the way back to where I was at the beginning of the year. I will always struggle with this, but now I am finding it is a matter of life, not just looks anymore...I HAVE to do this, or my leg pain and health problems will increase. I am suffering from post-thrombotic syndrome... complications from DVT- I will have issues for life but the healthier I am, the better I will feel. I will never be a size 2 and I don't need to be, what I do need to be is healthy, for myself and my family.
2. I will show my husband that I appreciate him more often.
I have done a fair job at this. I have the most amazing, self-sacrificing husband on the planet! No, he is not perfect- yes, he screws up and makes me mad and does and says things he shouldn't sometimes. But, he loves me just as I am. He can stare my flaws right in the face and see me in the hospital with tubes hanging out of me and he still loves me and makes me feel beautiful. He takes care of me, and that is no easy task. He puts up with me, an equally challenging task. And I know he is my soul mate. But most of all he doesn't try to change me, he accepts me fully and completely. When I look in his eyes I see that there is nothing that can change the way he feels about me, and that is priceless.
3. I will take time away from the stress to capture special moments with my father, while he is still here, and I will record them.
I have done this on a few occasions, once while in the hospital- on my father's birthday and again this past Christmas. I am trying to savor special happy moments with him and realize my father is still here for a reason. He may be my biggest stressor but he has also taught me more about myself, and my disease, than any other person. After suffering this condition for only a year and a half I understand my father and why he is the way he is; insight I may never have had if not for my experiences. We are closer now. We understand each other more and have a language no one else understands. He KNOWS what I am going through, other's can only sympathize.
4. I will rid myself of individuals who are a determent to my life and my happiness and instead surround myself with individuals who make me feel good about myself.
This is always a challenge- we can't always chose who we're around or who we love. Sometimes the people we love most are also the ones that hurt us the most. While I continue to work on this, one thing I have learned is that people are going to do what they do, think what they think, act the way that they act and it has nothing to do with me. If I don't like how someone acts I don't need to be around them. And if someone hurts me, I am trying to learn to take it less personally. I find the people who seem the most "together" are actually the ones falling apart inside...so instead of anger I am trying to have compassion, or at the very least understanding and acceptance. I can't change people, but I can change how I react to them- I continue to struggle with that...
5. I will do all I can to develop myself as a Social Worker and attain my career aspirations- not based on money- but based on my interests.
WHOA HAVE I EVER!!!!! I have managed to land the job I have ALWAYS wanted!!! No it is not perfect, yes it is stressful and yes there are days when I can't wait to leave that place. But, more of the time than not I am very, very happy with my job. I work with loving, compassionate, brilliant people. I learn something new every single day. I feel appreciated and valued at work and most importantly I am doing things I enjoy and am good at. Plus, the benefits have allowed me to live a healthier life and I don't have to worry anymore than an ER visit will push us into bankruptcy...that peace of mind is wonderful!
6. I will try to adopt the "early bird" mentality- early to bed, early to rise...
Yeah, that was working out ok in the summer- no so good in the winter. I'm learning my body is SO easily impacted by light. If its not light out my body has SUCH a hard time waking up. I am thinking of investing in a light machine to help with this...
7. I will engage in gossip less and reserve my secrets and feelings for those proven worthy enough to share them with- I will protect my heart better.
I have made strides in this regard as well. Yes, I still vent at times but I am really learning to keep more things close to my chest. I am an "open-book" kind of person, and I think in some ways that is good. I am not fake. What you see is what you get and I find that can be refreshing in people sometimes. However, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement and questioning and criticism I don't always bargain for. I need to work on this more...being an open book does not also need to mean wearing my heart on my sleeve...
8. I will donate my time during a holiday to a homeless shelter, charity, needy family or organization.
I am VERY disappointed in myself for not accomplishing this task. I was really planning on doing so. But, this holiday season was not the best for me health-wise- bronchitis and some pain issues kept me from enjoying our newly bought home and the holidays with my family- and did not leave any time for helping others.
9. I will realize that even if I don't accomplish these goals I am still worthy of them- I will be easier on myself, I will love myself more.
I am still working to love myself more. I am VERY critical of myself. But, I am finding that the older I get, I am understanding myself more. I am becoming more confident in my own skin. I stand up for myself now- I am learning to say "no" and to put limits on what I can and will do for others. I am beginning to put myself first in many ways (especially with my father's antics) and I am growing up. Some part of me feels selfish for this, but I know its what I need to do- I need to realize I AM important too and I deserve health, happiness and sanity!!!
All and all 2009 was amazing for me and my husband. The beginning of 2009 I brought my body a long way from partial hearing loss, a Celiac diagnosis and a 2" blood clot in my left groin. I was running again! I felt amazing and more importantly I proved I was capable of healing myself. I landed the job I now have and proved to myself that all of my hard work in school really did pay off. I bought a new(er) car that I love and on the anniversary of the above post my husband and I bought a house!
Compared to last year, this year has been a blessing for us! Of course, the last few weeks of the year have not been the best- I've been ill and we've had some marital issues that we are working to resolve. But we are in a much better situation that we were last year and I can't be anything but grateful and hopeful that 2010 will bring more blessings.
But, what I think I've learned most from 2008 and 2009 is that tragedy will happen, we never know what tomorrow will bring. We can work and work and hope and still bad things do, and will, happen. However, what we can do is honestly take our lives one day at a time and face our struggles head on. Life doesn't just happen, you have to MAKE it happen. Doing something is always better than waiting and if you don't stop and look around once in awhile life really will pass you by!
So, the only resolution I have for this year is to fully participate in my life. I resolve to MAKE things happen for myself, and my family. I am thinking about going back to school (yes again) but not because I want to attain some high degree- there is just more I want to learn...we'll see...2010 may have many surprises in store- but no matter if its good or bad, I'm gonig to be here to find out!
