T minus 24 hours...

Who knew? Who really would ever think that I would have so much in common with Jillian Michaels? Really- its kinda freaky. Only child, parents divorced at age 12- sought solice in food until her 5'2" frame ballooned to 175 pounds. Also, sought solice in older men and fake IDs (sorry mom). Eventually, Jillian found her way to martial arts and the pounds started to fall...her physical body is a manifestation of her emotional well-being. Ok, so- did she read my diary or something?

Not only is she loud-mouthed and stubborn- she does it hard, really hard, all the way...or its not good enough...and she expects the same stead-fast determination from everyone else. I'm sorry Fred, I really am...

So- tomorrow the Insanity begins. Not Jillian Michaels insanity- dare I say, it seems way worse. A commitment to the hardest workout ever put on DVD and the beginning of the hardest, most effective diet.
First, of all let me say- just watching the DVD made me want to throw up. No exaggeration- I was nauseated and had to stop the DVD. I looked over at Fred and his exact words were, "I think we've got ourselves in over our heads here."

Well- we're going for it- 60 days- hopefully my next post won't be from a hospital bed : )

Ms. Fatty McFat from Fat Town!!!

Ah, here we are - Spring, the weather is getting warmer...the trees outside our new house are beginning to bud. Life is good here in our new home. Fred's work is going well, I am having increasing opportunity at my job. My heath has been ok- my leg has been giving me trouble on and off but for the most part nothing too major. Life seems...well, pretty awesome.

There is only one problem.

And I am very aware of this problem.

I let myself get fat again.

I know, laugh, its ok- the word fat usually makes people laugh...I'm not really sure why- if you've ever gained an unwanted 10 lbs you know how uncomfortable you become...well I've packed on an extra 30. Yupper, 3-0. Yeah, I know, that's a 38 week along pregnant woman...well I can assure you...no bun in the oven here.

There are many contributing factors to this problem. First of all, adjusting to working full time and a 45-50 minute commute each way has taken its toll- most of my days are 10 hours long, at best, and even if I have the energy its hard to find the time to work out as often as I need to- I know, I know- wait until I have kids right?

Also, life is stressful...I'm talking about drug addictions, alcoholism, tumors, amputations of random body parts, life-threatening organ failure- all in one year- kind of stress...

But, numero uno problem- I. LOVE. TO. EAT. Period.
...and I know I'm not alone here...however, in order to eat (a typical diet) and avoid weight gain I usually need to log about 7 hours a week in the gym, running, squatting and crunching...and watch what I eat meticulously during the week- only splurging on weekends.

I'm happy- I eat. I'm upset- I eat. I'm sad...you get the picture...if you've ever see that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda pulls the cake out of the garbage to get just one more bite...and has to spray Windex on the cake to keep from eating it...I laughed so hard, not from the obsurdity of it, but from the familiarity.

I see other women out there that never have to count and watch and calculate how much weight a piece of cake will cost them...I envy and loathe every single one of them...and the sad thing is, most of them don't realize how lucky they are, or how much freedom they have! Having Celiac Disease only adds to this frustration...

But I know women with rocking-ass bodies that work there asses off to get it...and not only do I respect them for it- I want to BE THEM. I felt I was close once...2005- I was a size 6
(now I'm a 12) and in the best shape of my life...I want that again. That feeling of lightness, strength, endurance, happiness...and not about the size I wear (we all know that doesn't really matter)- I want to look as happy as I am and I want to stop being self-conscience of my body...and to be perfectly honest I just want all my fucking clothes to fit again!!!

I started back on the journey last summer and was doing really well...but I'm famous for falling off that wagon and the results recently have been much more drastic then ever before...is this why getting old sucks so bad?!?!

Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that I am diving into something I have never tried before...I hope it doesn't land me in the hospital...but I think it might just be the ticket...I really hope so...I know my friends, family and husband love me regardless- but I want to love me, and right now I am proud of myself but I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I have it in me to do it- I once weighed 191 pound and wore a size 16. I can do this, I know I can. I just need to find my way back to that place...

I'll let you know when the insanity begins : )

Getting it together

A month into our new home and we are finally making head-way in getting it all together. It was surprising to me how long it has been taking to unpack! We want to put everything in its right place and that is taking awhile... We ended up getting a new sectional sofa as a gift from my mother and all new appliances were part of our loan. We also needed a new bed and ended up getting that as well. So, all and all things are coming together beautifully and we are very happy.

Tired and sore and busy...but happy.

I am also glad we went with the size and style house we did- we are finding our utility bills are equal, or less, than they were at the condo! So at the end of the month (and with our renters) we are about breaking even! Unbelievable! We are realizing we did the right thing financially. We wanted a house, but we didn't want more debt and so far it seems things are working out just as we hoped...sure we could have gotten more (and there is nothing wrong with that), but the peace of mind that comes with knowing we can afford our home, and not struggle to pay our bills every month, is awesome!

Some details of the house- our granite sink, extra deep

new stove and microwave

new fridge

entertainment center- we got a free 42' flatscreen TV when we bought our new bed and my mom had bought us this lovely electric fireplace...and since the entertainment stands are crazy expensive, we bought some shelves for $17 and made our own center- I love it and it saved us about $300!

bathroom- nothing too new here- went with the clear shower curtain and starting to put up some pictures and stuff...

and the master bedroom- still need to put up the crown molding but it is coming together. I am very happy with the color combo we went with, although I wish the grey was a bit cooler, the red reflects off of it and it looks pink- ugh! may need to fix that soon... : )

Our new home !!!

Well, we did it- we bought a house!!! And we are IN LOVE with the place. When we set out to look for a home, we had a few things in mind that we wanted- but we thought when we found the right house we would know it. I would say all together we looked at over 25 homes, this was the 3rd house we looked at. We walked in- said in unison "Wow- its so open!" and fell in love...

We almost lost this place twice- it was a bank foreclosure and they didn't want to take an FHA mortgage...we could ONLY do an FHA mortgage. In addition, after having the house inspected we realized we were over-paying by about $6,000. So, after two months of going back and forth (we first saw the home in October) on December 18th we closed!

Since December 18th we have spent every weekend and many week days rehabilitating the home and property- it was unlivable at the time of closing. We secured an FHA rehabilitation loan to help us make the repairs and to do some updating before we moved in. That process was another HUGE hassle, but well worth it in the end.
Finally, after 9 weeks of rehab we secured occupancy on February19th and started moving in!
Things are still in upheaval- we have a TON left to do and stuff is laying around everywhere- but we're in our home : )

Its amazing what this process has done for our marriage! Most people say moving is one of the most stressful things you can go through, and they're right. However, our marriage is so much stronger now. Sure we fought over tile and what to put where a little bit but we have literally built our future together and this home is making us think more and more about what we want for our future, who and what really matter to us... who we can depend on...and what the next stage in our life is. There is a lot going on in our lives right now and there is much to be unhappy about, but in our marriage we are so happy and more in love than ever!

Now, about that unpacking....

2009: Year in Review

Last year I wrote this post on December 18th 2008- this post was about reflecting on the year 2008 and all of its challenges and my hopes and resolutions for the coming year. I was determined 2009 would be a better year, and in all actuality it was!

9 Changes for '09 and where I stand today as I look 2010 in the face...

1. I will work to transform my body into being stronger, leaner and healthier.
Well, isn't this the resolution to break all over the country?!? 2009 started off great, I lost 15 pounds, most of my leg pain was gone and I was feeling great...but as the year wore on and some other issues cropped up in my life I let this slip...all the way back to where I was at the beginning of the year. I will always struggle with this, but now I am finding it is a matter of life, not just looks anymore...I HAVE to do this, or my leg pain and health problems will increase. I am suffering from post-thrombotic syndrome... complications from DVT- I will have issues for life but the healthier I am, the better I will feel. I will never be a size 2 and I don't need to be, what I do need to be is healthy, for myself and my family.

2. I will show my husband that I appreciate him more often.
I have done a fair job at this. I have the most amazing, self-sacrificing husband on the planet! No, he is not perfect- yes, he screws up and makes me mad and does and says things he shouldn't sometimes. But, he loves me just as I am. He can stare my flaws right in the face and see me in the hospital with tubes hanging out of me and he still loves me and makes me feel beautiful. He takes care of me, and that is no easy task. He puts up with me, an equally challenging task. And I know he is my soul mate. But most of all he doesn't try to change me, he accepts me fully and completely. When I look in his eyes I see that there is nothing that can change the way he feels about me, and that is priceless.

3. I will take time away from the stress to capture special moments with my father, while he is still here, and I will record them.
I have done this on a few occasions, once while in the hospital- on my father's birthday and again this past Christmas. I am trying to savor special happy moments with him and realize my father is still here for a reason. He may be my biggest stressor but he has also taught me more about myself, and my disease, than any other person. After suffering this condition for only a year and a half I understand my father and why he is the way he is; insight I may never have had if not for my experiences. We are closer now. We understand each other more and have a language no one else understands. He KNOWS what I am going through, other's can only sympathize.

4. I will rid myself of individuals who are a determent to my life and my happiness and instead surround myself with individuals who make me feel good about myself.
This is always a challenge- we can't always chose who we're around or who we love. Sometimes the people we love most are also the ones that hurt us the most. While I continue to work on this, one thing I have learned is that people are going to do what they do, think what they think, act the way that they act and it has nothing to do with me. If I don't like how someone acts I don't need to be around them. And if someone hurts me, I am trying to learn to take it less personally. I find the people who seem the most "together" are actually the ones falling apart inside...so instead of anger I am trying to have compassion, or at the very least understanding and acceptance. I can't change people, but I can change how I react to them- I continue to struggle with that...

5. I will do all I can to develop myself as a Social Worker and attain my career aspirations- not based on money- but based on my interests.
WHOA HAVE I EVER!!!!! I have managed to land the job I have ALWAYS wanted!!! No it is not perfect, yes it is stressful and yes there are days when I can't wait to leave that place. But, more of the time than not I am very, very happy with my job. I work with loving, compassionate, brilliant people. I learn something new every single day. I feel appreciated and valued at work and most importantly I am doing things I enjoy and am good at. Plus, the benefits have allowed me to live a healthier life and I don't have to worry anymore than an ER visit will push us into bankruptcy...that peace of mind is wonderful!

6. I will try to adopt the "early bird" mentality- early to bed, early to rise...
Yeah, that was working out ok in the summer- no so good in the winter. I'm learning my body is SO easily impacted by light. If its not light out my body has SUCH a hard time waking up. I am thinking of investing in a light machine to help with this...

7. I will engage in gossip less and reserve my secrets and feelings for those proven worthy enough to share them with- I will protect my heart better.
I have made strides in this regard as well. Yes, I still vent at times but I am really learning to keep more things close to my chest. I am an "open-book" kind of person, and I think in some ways that is good. I am not fake. What you see is what you get and I find that can be refreshing in people sometimes. However, it leaves me vulnerable to judgement and questioning and criticism I don't always bargain for. I need to work on this more...being an open book does not also need to mean wearing my heart on my sleeve...

8. I will donate my time during a holiday to a homeless shelter, charity, needy family or organization.
I am VERY disappointed in myself for not accomplishing this task. I was really planning on doing so. But, this holiday season was not the best for me health-wise- bronchitis and some pain issues kept me from enjoying our newly bought home and the holidays with my family- and did not leave any time for helping others.

9. I will realize that even if I don't accomplish these goals I am still worthy of them- I will be easier on myself, I will love myself more.
I am still working to love myself more. I am VERY critical of myself. But, I am finding that the older I get, I am understanding myself more. I am becoming more confident in my own skin. I stand up for myself now- I am learning to say "no" and to put limits on what I can and will do for others. I am beginning to put myself first in many ways (especially with my father's antics) and I am growing up. Some part of me feels selfish for this, but I know its what I need to do- I need to realize I AM important too and I deserve health, happiness and sanity!!!

All and all 2009 was amazing for me and my husband. The beginning of 2009 I brought my body a long way from partial hearing loss, a Celiac diagnosis and a 2" blood clot in my left groin. I was running again! I felt amazing and more importantly I proved I was capable of healing myself. I landed the job I now have and proved to myself that all of my hard work in school really did pay off. I bought a new(er) car that I love and on the anniversary of the above post my husband and I bought a house!
Compared to last year, this year has been a blessing for us! Of course, the last few weeks of the year have not been the best- I've been ill and we've had some marital issues that we are working to resolve. But we are in a much better situation that we were last year and I can't be anything but grateful and hopeful that 2010 will bring more blessings.

But, what I think I've learned most from 2008 and 2009 is that tragedy will happen, we never know what tomorrow will bring. We can work and work and hope and still bad things do, and will, happen. However, what we can do is honestly take our lives one day at a time and face our struggles head on. Life doesn't just happen, you have to MAKE it happen. Doing something is always better than waiting and if you don't stop and look around once in awhile life really will pass you by!

So, the only resolution I have for this year is to fully participate in my life. I resolve to MAKE things happen for myself, and my family. I am thinking about going back to school (yes again) but not because I want to attain some high degree- there is just more I want to learn...we'll see...2010 may have many surprises in store- but no matter if its good or bad, I'm gonig to be here to find out!

Holiday Maternity

My niece Gail and her husband Tristan will be bringing in the New Year with the birth of their first child. I am incredibly happy for these two who have been waiting quite awhile for their first little one. Congrats you guys! Can't wait to meet the new addition to the family : )

Baby Sayers is on the way!

Our oldest niece Gail and her husband Tristan will be expecting their first child in late January. Last weekend was Gail's shower and of course I captured some photos to remember it by.
Gail and Tristan have decided not to find out the sex of their baby so it will be a surprise for all of us.
I am very happy for these two. After almost two years of dealing with infertility (they were wed in November of 2007, three weeks after our wedding)- all their hard work and patience has paid off. The baby looks healthy and everything is right on schedule. Unfortunately Gail does have Gestational Diabetes, so she will have to watch certain things she eats. But, all and all things are going well.

(Teresa and Elaine)

We also found out our youngest niece Teresa is expecting her first child next summer...who would have thought...the youngest and oldest sisters pregnant at the same time!
In 2007 at our wedding our other two nieces, Elaine and Debby were pregnant - apparently in this family, babies come in pairs!