Always a care-giver

I just read an interesting blog by fellow blogger, Rachel, and a personality test she was taking for a class at work. It is Kroeger's work but the personality test employed by Kroeger is the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory. Back in my Psychology days (boy I miss those classes, really I do...) we learned how the Myers-Briggs is designed and how its interpretation lends to the ways in which temperament, experiences and brain functioning (perception) shape a person's personality- its extremely interesting.
I remember taking the test myself in class- and I, ironically enough, I have all my old class notes out to help me study for my Advance Generalist Boards exam.

I am: Extroverted Sensing Feeling Judging
ESFJs are life's protectors (surprise, surprise LOL!)

They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving. All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service and expect the same from others.
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls.
Strong, contradictory forces often consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the transgressor is forgiven and "saved" as quickly as it was reprimanded.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around, germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and social service.

Well I would say that is pretty accurate for me. I am constantly conflicted between right and wrong and protecting others. It is not in my nature to think of myself first, if at all- and I expect the same from others and need to realize not everone is this way. I do act rashly at times and often regret it afterwards. But, that passion also allows me to be an extremely loyal and protective ally- I will, and have, done absolutely anything to protect those I love- and I am proud of that.
But I'll tell ya one thing all this protecting has me pretty darn exhausted...I think I need a vacation : )

Nightmares

Ok, so I thought I was having a heart attack last night. This week I have been absolutely horrible dietary-wise. I have not only stepped, but JUMPED off of my diet. I am PMSing so I know that's most of it and I am also incredibly stressed about my job. There is still no word on anything happening and the longer it takes the more stressed I become- and when I'm stressed I like to drown myself in ice cream and rice crispy treats....
I also think, because of how hard I've been working out, my appetite is increasing and I hate feeling hungry all the time, so I've been eating more "good" food as well...
...so back to my scare. I awoke last night about 1:00am with my heart pounding out of my chest! It was beating so fast (as if I had been running) yet I was asleep! I started taking deep breaths and after about 15 minutes my heart slowed down. This may have to do with the fact that I had a dream I was in labor (WTF?!?!)- but how can a dream do such drastic things to your body? I wonder if my higher caloric intake can impact this because it has only happened after eating high sugar foods.
The same thing happened the other night when I ate ice cream. I had a dream I was in a drive-by shooting!
Not only does it wake me out of a sound sleep and scare the crap out of me, I wake up completely exhausted!

Fred says my body is probably in shock when I eat those kinds of foods because of how healthy I've been normally eating lately. Geez- who knew ice cream was the Nightmare Monster....

To be or not to be...

...a mother that is. The last few days its really been hitting home what a challenge this whole issue will eventually be. And no I am not even close to trying yet, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I think about it now and then.
Watching Opera yesterday I saw a man who was a widowed single father raising his daughter Madeline after her mother dropped dead suddenly the day after she was born with a massive blood clot that moved to her brain. She died instantly.

The father said; "My wife had read all the books, had all the knowledge, and she took it all with her. Here I was, left with no time to grieve for my wife because I had a newborn baby to take care of, and no idea how I would do it, or if I could."
My husband, who happened to enter the room as this story was unfolding on TV, and I looked at each other with tears in both of our eyes.
This is such a great fear for us.
We have so many challenges to being natural parents it is sometimes overwhelming and honestly most of the time I don't want to think about it...
We do not have the luxury of "trying" at will for years and years, everything has to be calculated and planned and...well...clinical. If we do not conceive we will soon run out of money for Lovenox long before we've run out of the desire to conceive, that I am sure of.
And if everything goes according to plans and we do conceive then we are left with injections every 12 hours that leave massive contusions and cause swelling, insanely close monitoring, perfectly timed birth induction and...even though I hate, hate to think of it...a higher risk of still birth and of me suffering a life threatening clot after delivery.
All of these pressures weigh on our minds, even though we know these events are still a ways off...

And, even though we receive little pressure from our families to have children, and I am so grateful for that, I still know that I am my parents only child. Without my children they will never be grandparents- and this weighs heavy on me. I feel like I need to have children so they will have grandchildren.
I can't help but see the way my mother looks at her new great nephew and niece and know that thoughts of her future grandchildren arnt far from her thoughts. And while I know my mother would never want to risk my health to bring another life into this world, the fact remains- I am the only child, I am her only chance at being a grandmother.

My closest friend told me in the hospital that she would rather I be alive, then dead leaving my child behind. She would rather help me through the grief of not being able to parent than to lose me. Her love and concern for my well-being was, and always has been, profound and touching.

Being an only child has been both a burden and a blessing in my life. I have been lonely many times in my family, with all of the responsibilities left to me- yet if I were not an only child I don't know that I would be as close to my parents as I am, and honestly I don't think I would have matured as quickly or as well as I have. I miss the love and support a sibling could give, but in seeing others struggles I don't miss the arguments, anger, rivalry or comparisons siblings breed either.
And ironically when and if hubby and I decide to have a child, that child will most likely be an only child as well.
This is such a difficult and personal choice for us, but we have no idea what the future holds. All we can hope for is increasingly better health and I hope one day, somehow, when we're ready we'll have our answer...

I just wish I could tell all the mothers out there, who had it easy- easy conception, easy delivery and a healthy baby- cherish that simple, and often taken for granted gift, of having that freedom!
Because if your healthy and happy nothing else truly matters...funny thing is most people don't realize how true this is until its taken away.

On a mission...

...so something that is no news to anyone who really knows me is, the hubby and I have been on a quest this year to take control of our bodies once again and drop those unwanted pounds. I think we both also want to get a bit ripped : )
This has taken over as our top priority and, because of all the time we've been spending in the gym, it is our number one hobby as well.
We both have the stocky, strong- yet sometimes "thick" body types. So losing weight is always a struggle but we tone up quickly and easily and are rather strong.
As reported before, hubby has lost 20 pounds and won the Home Depot 3 Month Biggest Loser challenge!!! And I, thanks to Mother Nature and my monthly 'visit,' keep fluctuating between a 13 and 15 pound loss- (and yes that means in percentages I am beating hubby by 1.2% woohoo).
However, after three months we have once again hit a wall- hubby with 30 pounds left to lose and myself with 15-18 pounds left...
So I bought the '30 day cut' book today and will try it out for 30 days. We both found out that, as we thought, we are high oxidizers- meaning our body performs best at a higher protein/fat ratio and low carbohydrate ratio- which we already knew. We also took a fit challenge and found out that our cardio rate is average for our ages; arm strength is above average; my ab strength was excellent, hubby's was above average, and well when it comes to legs we both blew it above excellent- but I was in the "elite athlete" range : )
So, now that we know we can hack it physically its time for Jillian's 30 day 'Cut' workout- we'll see how it goes...
Oh, and I keep wanting to post my 50% loss photos as I did for my 25% loss, but I need to get to 16 pounds!!! I'm soooo close! So hopefully those will be coming soon...

The Winners...

Well on my photo blog, I asked for some votes on photos I am thinking of hanging in our condo. We are gonna be doing some minor redecorating and I thought it would be good to switch out many of our old photos and hang some new ones.

These are the photos I've chosen:

This photo will hang in our bathroom which is purple and white.

These two photos will hang side by side in our main hallway, which is light blue and soon to be light grey printed on 11X14 canvas.

This photos will hang in our bedroom which is brown (not sure where yet) printed on 20X30 canvas.And finally this photo will hang in our bedroom as well printed on 11X15 canvas.
Now, I just got to save up the money to buy them, paint the walls and figure some other decorating ideas out. I'm hoping to pull it all off pretty cheap. I already managed to snag new curtains for the living room (black) for $5 a panel.

The ONE...

I was reading Miss' blog the other day and came across a blogging trend I thought I would jump on the bandwagon with. This trend being describing your husband and why he's the one for you. Well first of all when I was younger I never really gave much thought to what my future husband would be like. I was a typical Tom-boy feminist, and OK still am in many respects...I didn't want to get married or, God forbid, change my name! I thought the married woman was often reduced to nothing more than a "baby-maker" and housekeeper in our society and I was NOT going to turn into that! But as I got older I realized you are what you allow yourself to become and, in many respects, you chose who to be with and have control over others' expectations of you.

When I was 22, shortly after breaking it off with my long-term high school sweetheart I began dating HIM. The ONE, and I knew he was the one almost right away.

Fred was everything I ever wanted and some things I never knew I wanted. He was not perfect, and had a few skeletons in the closet, but the truth remained he was the one for me. Within four months of dating I knew I wanted to marry him and even take on his name!
Fred is 10 years and 6 weeks my senior, and this actually works very well for us. I had to mature a great deal at a young age and take on many responsibilities so I needed someone who could relate, and an older man was just the ticket!
Fred is quiet, brooding and thoughtful. Even without a high level of education he can keep up with the best of them and grasps new concepts quickly. I think many people think he is less intelligent than he really is (maybe because of his size or looks) but they are so wrong. He's one of the smartest people I know.
He's sarcastic and has a great sense of humor- something I find vital in a relationship.

He is traditional, yet not old fashioned. He has a deep and genuine respect for women that I find is a rarity in many men. He is hard-working and extremely protective, yet not possessive. He lets me be my own person and supports me unconditionally. He is tough, yet actually quit sensitive and can have his feelings hurt rather easily.
He is also absent-minded and forgetful, which drives me a bit crazy at times. He leaves things laying around the house like he doesn't know where the trash can is, let alone what its used for. But, he splits the household duties with me 50/50 so this more than makes up for the messes he leaves behind him.

He has moments of being closed-off that can drive me mad, I can't stand when he gets moody- but I am lucky that only happens about 5% of the time.

The best thing about my husband is...he loves all of me, the good, the bad. He finds me attractive no matter what I look like or what illness I have. He is supportive, encouraging and loving. He's everything I ever wanted and more : ) ...now if I can just get him to put his socks in the hamper...