New Planters

For my father's funeral we came away with some beautiful plants. Plant One (on the left) from the School of Social Work at Wayne State, where I work, and Plant Two (on the right) from the Schell family. As you can tell the plants are gorgeous but they were also very quickly outgrowing their pots. So, Fred and I went in search of some new pots. I thought with it being off season, we might find some on clearance- I really didn't want to spend a whole lot of money doing this.

We ended up finding the planters above at Home Depot for $.01. Yup, that's right- $.01!!! Well they were not the right color for our dining room, so we bought too cans of accent spray paint for stone in a dark brown texture- and for only $8 a can we could live with that. We spray painted the planters, added some more potting soil and viola! New larger homes for the plants for only $16.02. Not too shabby!

[Not so] good news...

This picture. It was supposed to be the beginning of a joyful and wonderful experience for Fred, myself and our families. It was supposed to be a continuation of our family and the first of many happy memories...

Instead it is the reminder of a very scary and confusing time. A time I will never forget. Another loss, so soon after the loss of my father...the first time I am ever pregnant, and I lose the baby.

I didn't even know I was pregnant and as soon as I found out things started to go wrong...

No time to be excited. No time to think about the future...

November 5th-13th I experience what every women does (usually) every month. No need to think anything was, well anything but normal.
November 15th- my 28th birthday- I still feel like you do before starting your monthly "gift"- I felt really weird. Fred joked that I was probably pregnant. "No way," was my response...so I took a test to shut him up...

It was positive.

"Holy shit!" I screamed.

November 16th- bleeding again...something is wrong. The doctors office won't even believe I am pregnant.

"It doesn't sound likely that you ARE pregnant," the nurse scoffed, "No one has eight days of bleeding and then a positive test..."

Well, apparently- they do.

The next forty-eight hours seemed to last a month. I needed to get my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy (and yes that nurse had a very different attitude once the test results came back, apparently you can have a period and still be pregnant...). Then I needed to repeat the test to see if the numbers were going up (a viable pregnancy) or if they were going down (signaling a miscarriage). I knew the results would indicate the later- but knowing did not soften the blow when it was confirmed. I cried for hours. I didn't even know I wanted a baby so bad until I was losing mine.

The next two weeks were a blur. I bled for 12 days...had painful contractions and on November 19th (at least as far as I could tell) officially miscarried. However, I still did not know if the bleeding was "taking care" of everything or if I would need a D&N.

Today I found out my miscarriage has been completed naturally and I will not need a D&C. I am extremely relieved that physically this is over...now the emotional healing can begin.

I'm still sad, I think I will always be. I had never been pregnant before and being pregnant (for the short 5 weeks that I was) has changed my view of a lot of things. I have no doubt I will forever be changed by this experience. I found out I was pregnant and then not even 24 hours later I found out that soon I wouldn't be.

I wasn't going to say anything to most people and certainly not on a blog post! But, once I had a moment of closure I realized keeping things bottled up inside and not telling people (at least for me) prevents healing. Secrets can never foster support or understanding from others. And honestly I am not writing this to get support or "kind words" or for others to feel bad for me. In fact, I don't feel much like talking about it to anyone but my husband- which is why I haven't told most people. However, getting this off my chest through the written word is healing for me- I am putting it out into the universe and off of my chest and I am doing it for me, no one else. This blog is my diary and the only person that can decide its contents, is me.

People can think what they want about it. I really don't care. It is not their news to share or their situation to heal from, it is ours and ours alone.

Time will go on and we will heal, I have no doubt. Time will wear the edges off this loss and hopefully the loss of my father as well. And one day I hope we can look back at this and realize it was necessary to appreciate what we have. But, until that day comes we are taking it one day at a time.

I love this little life. I loved it before I even knew it existed and I will love he or she as long as I live. Somewhere I hope that little light is shining with its grandfathers and watching over your us. Some day I hope to meet them and look at the beautiful face that never got to be.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down the date of my baby's birth and softly whispered as she closed the book- "too beautiful for this earth." -Author Unknown

Three years a charm

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our three year wedding anniversary. It was bittersweet in a way. We are both still very much mourning the loss of my father only two and a half weeks ago. We were both very close to him, he was a weekly, if not daily, part of our lives. To say life will return to "normal" one day is a drastic misunderstanding of the word. We will have to re-define normal from now on...and maybe that's ok.

These past three years have been pretty rough on us. We battled my health issues- partial hearing loss in my right ear followed by debilitating vertigo; a diagnosis of Celiac Disease (which people seem to think is the worst of my problems, it is by FAR the least of them); a DVT on our honeymoon followed by a diagnosis of not one but two and today we learned THREE genetic blood clotting disorders. We've also battled addiction issues and underwent marital counseling and came near seperating at one point in our marriage. However, I am happy to say we are happier and stronger now then we have ever been. We are even more in love and having gone through these struggles and triumphed through them together has made us not only love each other more, but develop a deep respect for each other as well.

Fred has been wonderfully supportive in the wake of my father's death. He lost his father at only 9 years old to Kindey Cancer. Now we both visit our father's graves and mourn together - saddly now being able to share that loss.

Its been rough, but I can honestly say we look at life now and stand together stronger than ever. We don't fear what life could throw at us or our marriage. We'll deal with it and get through it- that's what we do.

I miss you already

On September 25th my father, Linwood L. West Jr. passed away at 7:05pm.
He was 54 years old.

These past 9 days have been a blur. NOTHING in life can prepare you for a moment like that. Nothing can prepare you to hear, "he's gone," at the other end of the phone. Nothing can prepare you to reach out and touch your Father just to feel him already cold to the touch. No sooner was I clinging to my father in his hospital bed then talk began of the funeral. I found myself speaking to some funeral director named Robert at 2 o'clock in the morning and before I knew it I was in a funeral home picking out a casket and flower sprays and putting together photo collages. It was all a blur, a rush- time sped forward and went in slow-motion all at the same time.

I was still wrapping my head around what had happened but 'things' needed to be done. Soon I was at a cemetery picking out a plot and arranging for pall bearers and thinking about headstones. Next, I was shaking hands and giving hugs and hearing people say all of the things your supposed to say when someone dies. Then once again I was in the funeral directors office writing checks as large as my car loan and my husbands car loan put together.

SLOW DOWN! I what to scream! I need time. I need time to mourn. I need time to look at his face and imprint it in my memory because I will never see it again. I need time to figure out how I am going to move forward now that I am no longer a caregiver and I no longer have two living parents. I need time to figure out how to let him go and go on.

But it keeps on going, whether your ready for it to move forward or not, it just does.

I keep replaying the last week of his life over and over again in my mind. What did I do? What didn't I do? What should I have done? What should I have said? But, when it comes right down to it - it is too late. All I know is I wish I had one more hour with him or the opportunity to have one more conversation. I wanted him here to see his grandchildren one day! I just want him here. But, I also realize being here was painful for him and his life was filled day in and day out with pain - and as much as I want him here, I never wanted him to suffer.

I'm taking each day as it comes and getting through it the best I can. Some days are ok, some days are really hard. That's just how its going to be for awhile. I spent 9 years, 1/3 of my life care giving for my father. Being his caregiver was a large part of my identity, just as being a wife and daughter are - the adjustment is going to be huge.

All I know is- knowing your parents will die one day does not prepare you for it when it happens. Looking at funerals as an odd and somewhat morbid tradition (as I always have) is only because you have not experienced a true, life-altering loss. A loss of someone who was a daily part of your life, your being. The funeral could have lasted a month and it still would not have been enough time. It was not the grieving or the family and friends (although comforting and supportive) that I needed more of. I needed to be able to SEE him, in person and touch him, although it was very different. It was knowing when that casket closes I will only be left with pictures and memories. And pictures and memories, although wonderful, are not the same.

Now, when I visit a funeral I will truly know the costs involved and will give some small amount to the family if I can. It is disgusting how our society charges people who have just lost a loved one the price of a car for a proper funeral. When I say, "if you need anything," I will mean it, or I won't say it. Nothing has been worse than trying to contact people who have said that and not be able to get ahold of them. It makes those statements seem hollow and empty. But, most importantly I want to stop putting things off and taking things for granted. I want to stop waiting around for the 'right' time to do things. I want to slow down and be less concerned with my "to-do" list and more concerned with being genuine. I want to let go of grudges and just try to be a good person and love and be loved. I have no room in my heart for anything else right now.

I miss him so, so much already.

The visitation and funeral resulted in over 125 people coming by to pay their respects. Many of them didn't even know my father, but they knew me, or Fred or our family. I was sincerley touched and honored so many people took time out of their busy days to be with us. That love is what is getting me by right now.

People keep saying he will always be with me, and I know they are right.
But, really I would give almost anything right about now for just one last hug. Or as my Dad always said, one last "squeeze."

Chicago Trip 2010

My friend Brittani and I have been meaning to take a girls trip for about four years now. So finally, early this year we decided to take a trip to Chicago. I have family in Chicago, my cousin Tony, and they had just had a new baby boy that I was dying to see. So, we decided to go for a long weekend and spend one night with my family and the rest of the weekend living it up in the Windy City.

A photo of my cousin Tony and his wife Ann with my cousins Samuel (2) and William (3 months)



They have a beautiful home in East Village, above is the night-time view from their rooftop deck.




After leaving my cousins house we checked into our hotel The Tremont and then we went out to do some shopping! We each got a few cute things and then took a very long, yet scenic walk to the Navy Pier. Later, we headed back to the hotel to freshen up, had dinner at Carmine's Rosebud Restaurant and Brit got us tickets to my very first female impersonator show. I won't get into details but let's just say it was pretty awesome!
On to Saturday. We started the day with Spa treatments at Renew Spa on the Magnificent Mile and then headed to the Water Tower Mall to beat the rain and continue shopping. After we were finished, we went to dinner at Feast and attended a Jazz/Blues show later in the evening.
It was a great weekend with a good friend. We laughed, shopped, ate, drank and talked- most of my favorite things.

I can't wait to do it again some time...maybe next time we'll take on the Big Apple : )

Michigan Trips (June, July & August)

This summer the hubby and I have been quite the Michigan travelers. We've been on three trips so far and have two more in store before the summer is out. First, in June we went to the Irish Hills with some of our friends and celebrated our close friends' youngest baby's first birthday. Happy Birthday Cain!!!


In July, my cousin Andy got married and we took a day trip to Lindon, Michigan to celebrate with a backyard reception at my other cousin, Anna's new home.

Next, my mom and step-father treated us to a vacation in Port Austin (thumb area). The vacation was a short weekend but we enjoyed ourselves. We saw some beautiful sunsets, enjoyed a local farmers market and flea market, rode down a huge slide, dined on Lake Huron and just relaxed.


Then, a few weeks ago we took our annual trip to East Tawas, Michigan to visit Fred's "up north" family. We spent three nights there- camping, boating and enjoying our favorite body of water, the Au Sable. Our dream is to one day buy property in this area...


Next up- a four day weekend with my close friend in Chicago where I will meet my newest baby cousin and we will surely get some shopping and partying in... then the Renaissance festival with family and friends and one last camping trip with Fred's siblings to end the summer. This summer has been a lot of fun, but it has gone by super fast!

We have already started back on our home improvements and I am sure this fall, like this spring, will be all about house-work. Oh the joy! LOL!

Beautiful Cali Bouquets

Back in 2007 when I was married, my mother, my maid-of-honor and I put together all of the bouquets and boutonnieres for my wedding. Since then I have been asked by a couple people to do bouquets for their weddings.

One of these people was my friend Emily who I graduated from Graduate school with. Emily's wedding was in May of this year and I was so busy putting the bouquets together and getting ready for our housewarming that I forgot to post pictures!

Emily also used the same wedding photographer I did, Amanda Williams from Amanda Williams Photography (photos displayed). Amanda is not only a great photographer, but a super cool person and Emily loved her photos, as I did.

Below are a few pictures of the bouquets I created for Emily and Dax's Big Day! I think they turned out great and were super easy to do.

July Vacation Wrap-Up

This week I have been off of work and I have LOVED every minute of it! I've slept in almost every day and have spent the week pretty much doing whatever the hell I felt like, nice!
Vacation started off with my cousin's wedding July 2nd and reception July 3rd. So we were very busy with that. So busy that by the time the 4th rolled around I felt like crap and my leg was killing me. So I spent the 4th in bed and rolled out just in time to take a drive down to Selfridge Air Base and see some fireworks while snuggled up to my hubby.

Monday Fred had also taken the day off of work so we took the boat to Stony Creek- I love Stony Creek. We did some swimming (wadding really) and fishing...which I am also finding I love...and got a ton of sun!

Tuesday my mom and I spent the day together, beginning with massages and a hair cut for me (I think I found a new hairstylist) followed by lunch, shopping and meeting up with some friends to see the new Twilight movie. It was decent. I'm not a hardcore fan, but I think the movies are entertaining.

Wednesday I had a ton of house-work to do (ok not exactly what I wanted to do, but it needed to be done) then in the evening my aunt, her boyfriend and my adorable new nephew (cousin) came over for dinner and drinks.

Thursday my mom (who also had this week off) and I headed to Metro Beach and hung out for a few hours, later in the day Fred and I went out to eat and then began watching the Showtime series Dexter, which we are now totally addicted to!

Friday, we went back out on the boat on Lake St. Clair and did some shopping. Now, sadly it is the weekend again and Monday is looming. Today was nice though- I had lunch and went shopping with my friend Court and am now settling in to watch more Dexter. Tomorrow I have two photos shoots and then its back to the day job.

The only shitty part of my vacation was that most of it I did not have a car, and I still don't. Luckily Fred's co-worker lives two streets away and they car-pooled so I had Fred's truck most days. I swear not one hour after starting my vacation July 1st my car lost power on the freeway. It should be fixed Monday- it better be, or I'm going to be having some words with that mechanic!

Next vacations coming up are a four day camping weekend in August and then in September a girls weekend in Chicago with Brit- super stoked for that! I'll also get to see my newest baby cousin, William.
But having a whole week off was really nice...I think I'll do that again some time : )

We pulled it off!!!

So this past weekend some friends and I managed to pull off a surprise birthday party for one of my close friends Lori.

Lori, for the past few years, had been mentioning how she's never had a surprise party and she wants one etc. Well last year (thinking it was her 30th-opps) I e-mailed her husband Jim to say he better be planning a surprise party...but of course it was her 29th birthday so it wasn't happening.

So this year when 30 really was coming around I thought to myself- well this would be the perfect year to throw her that surprise party. And not two weeks after I had that thought I got an e-mail from my friends' friend, and now my friend : ) - Jill. Jill said her and Jim wanted to throw Lori a surprise party and asked if I would help plan it. I had plans to go camping that weekend with five other families but there was no way I was missing out on this! So by the grace of all of those families, we got the camping trip moved and I e-mailed Jill as soon as I found out and said "hell yes I'll help!"

Jill, Jim and I kept the secret for about a month and then slowly started to bring other people in to help. My friend Brit offered to help in any way she could- so we put her on cake duty. Jill rounded up many mutual friends from where she works and many people pitched in to help...even Lori's parents and brother were in on the surprise!

When I sent the e-vites out in late May I was happy at how many people wanted to come and pitch in to help - it was clear we were going to have a great turn out...but I was sure with that many people invited someone would slip up...

The day of the party as I headed to Jills to help Jim and Jill's boyfriend and sister set-up early, my stomach was in knots. I was so worried something would blow the surprise, or that people would get to the party late or that something would happen!! But Jill did a great job of keeping the birthday girl busy, and stalling, and the surprise was perfect! She had no idea! Awesome.

Those months of planning were well worth it to see the happy look on her face. Here she is minutes after the big surprise.

Happy Birthday Lori!

New Lens

I got my new lens in about a week ago and I am loving it!!! There hasn't been too much to take photos of since it came in (and I certainly was not taking it camping)- but the flowers in my yard have started to bloom bigger and bigger...so here are some of my red and pink rose impatiens.

FB and WTF!!!!

So, I took a two month break from Facebook and would you believe it...I survived!!! LOL!!! Got back on mainly to see photos of the babies I was missing out on and to say hi to a few peeps I only talk to on FB...I've decided to just hide the annoying people and set some FB limits for myself...sometimes it nice just to see what everyone is up to- but I am SO OVER the bullshit that comes with some social networking...people really need to think twice about what they put on those sites...me included...

Moving on...went to the doctors today to get a second opinion about the benign lesion in my head...yeah and the doctor (after I waited two hours to see him)- said he couldn't read my MRI films, wanted another MRI and I had to reschedule another appointment (and take another half day off work to boot)- W.T.F!!! If you wouldn't accept my old MRI why the hell wouldn't you had me get another MRI prior to my appointment. I swear I am so over doctors- I'm in a damn doctors office every other week, literally- for one issue or another. Here's a tip to all the doctors out there...if you can't bother to be good at your job, or at least fake giving a crap, then maybe you need to seek another profession...I hear Chrysler is calling people back...

On a happier note- I got my new lens in, and i LOVE it!!! Very exciting!!! Work is going as good as can be expected and I am looking forward to my vacation coming soon!!! Can't beat 6 weeks off a year...thank you higher education : )

Rewarded

This week the School of Social Work at WSU held its 75th anniversary celebration. I was contracted by the school to help put together and design a commemorative book for the event. 38 pages of historical facts, old photos put into collages and pictures of faculty etc...
While the job ended up being way more than I bargained for, in the end it was well worth it. The book will now be a part of the school's history for years to come, how cool is that!

Yesterday at the festivities I was acknowledged in front of 200 alumni, Deans, faculty and supporters for my contribution with a lovely and heart felt statement from the Dean that brought tears to my eyes. I received accolades from so many very important and prominent people, not just for my work on the book, but my work for the school in general. Its not every day that you feel valued, respected and appreciated at work- and yesterday's event, and those words from the Dean, I will never forget. Our Dean is now the Acting Provost for Wayne State University. Its not every day the second highest ranking officer of a University points to you in the middle of an event and thanks you for all of your efforts. I was floored.

To top things off my boss offered to purchase a new lens for my camera as a thank you gift for all I've done! How awesome is that!

As Fred and I drove home from the Detroit Golf Club I thought to myself how all of those years of struggling while I was in school- to make ends meet, to study while sitting next to my father's hospital bed, of wondering if I am ever going to land a decent job, wondering if I even chose the right profession and wondering if I will end up hating what I'm doing- it has all paid off.

Sure, my job isn't perfect and not everyone I work with is so gracious, and yes I would like to make more money...but I can honestly say at the end of the work week that I like what I do and I feel like my work matters. I feel like I matter to the school and to the people I work with.

I received a letter from the Special Assistant to the Dean indicating a career ladder he wants to support me in climbing...and while most are pushing me into the PhD program, I don't think I'm ready for that yet and I'm not even sure its what I want. I love the level of research I am engaged in now because I get a taste of all of it- Teen Dating Violence, Maternal/Infant Health, Domestic Violence, Prisoner Re-entry and Palliative Care...such amazing research is happening all the time and I have a part in that!

I feel like everything is happening like it is supposed to. I am where I belong in an environment of learning and above all I am in an environment of helping others...that's all I've ever really cared about.

As Fred and I were leaving the event my boss, the Director of Research, leaned over her husband and said to Fred, "I knew when I had that girl in my class that she was something special...I knew she'd be going places...she sat in the back of the room looking at me, challenging me to be a better instructor and I knew then..."

It was an amazing night.

I was one of the best nights of my life.

Deck

Our deck - 24' X20' and wonderful for entertaining in the warmer months. However, like much of the house and yard, it had been neglected for years. In the winter Fred removed the improperly installed railing, fixed the steps and recently filled a large hole in the deck where a tree was growing up through the deck. This week, in preparation for our housewarming party, we finally re-stained the deck and added a bench.

Before-


After-


Fred built the 20' bench to run along the deck side. He plans to build a full-length step-down for the back and a walk up ramp on the side eventually.

My mother and I re-stained the deck in Padre Brown. The deck will eventually need to be stripped completely and re-stained- but for now, this will do.

New dining table

My husband is truly a gifted guy. When I told him I wanted a table where we could have friends and family over without having to piece multiple folding tables together to all sit comfortably. And as I stood in our very large dining room I said, "we need a table to fit this space!"

Well now we have one.

Fred started bringing home some pine lumber each day after work one week. Then he spent a very long time thinking, and drawing and measuring. And then boom! I think he put this table together is about six hours. It took longer to stain it then to build it. Once he had the design in his head it all just came together.



Fred plans to build matching benches for the other side of the table, originally we thought we wanted chairs along with the benches. But, we love the benches so we're going with those instead.

Kitchen Re-model

Part of what we love about our new home is the open floor-plan, primarily the way the living room, kitchen and family (dining) room all flow together.

Below is the kitchen when we bought the house. We loved the oak cabinets and didn't want to change them. The rest of the kitchen was pretty much a blank slate so we could have done anything to it. The cabinets and counter (although filthy) were in good shape, so although one day we'd like to replace the counter top- its fine for now.


This is the kitchen half-way though the home remodeling and, as you can tell, it was the dumping grounds for all of our materials- and when you have two to six men working in your house all at the same time....well...this is what happens lol!

This is the kitchen today. Instead of tiling the backsplash in the kitchen we opted for aluminum pressed panels. These are very easy to work with but can be expensive for a large area. But since we had a small area it worked fine and to save on cost we went with a stock color- Copper. We also painted the remaining walls the same as the hallway and door wall area. Tawny Birch from Behr in eggshell.

Part of our loan agreement when we bought the home included the purchasing of all new appliances. So were acquired Maytag appliances in black. The fridge has french-doors and a freezer on the bottom, along with the ice/water dispenser. The microwave is your typical microwave...nothing fancy (although one day I would love to get a convection microwave). The previous owners had an electric range, but we really prefer gas, so hubby ran a gas line for the new stove. And we bought the "Quiet Series 300" dishwasher, and aside from the new washer and dryer, it is my favorite new appliance. We also bought an oak island from Home Depot with a butcher-block top and stained it to match the cabinets.

Details...below are closer photos of the backsplash we installed, as well as the island when we bought it and the new sink and faucet we installed. I love the sink, extra deep black granite composite- much quieter then the old aluminum sink that was originally there. And when your living room is only steps away a deep sink and quiet dishwasher really make a difference.

Living Room Complete!

I keep forgetting to post about our home updates! We have completed most of the rooms in the house, with the exception of some decor and finishing touchings.

Here is the living room when we bought the house. The previous owners had used door and window casing as moulding- not really sure why. And the walls were disgusting- yellow and baby blue sponge paint- ick! We also hated the track lighting in the living room, but the blind were nice so we kept those and washed (the crap out of) them.

The living room after being painted and cleaned. We use Behr paint in eggshell for the walls. I wanted to go for a warm, open, bright look. So, we went with 'Crips Autumn Leaf" for our contrast wall and 'Warm Gold' for the other two walls. We removed the door casing from the ceiling and placed it around the doors and windows in the rest of the house. We also removed and re-stained all of the mouldings to a darker color- Dark Walnut from MinWax.

To decorate the living room we purchased, with the help of my mother a coffee colored sectional from Gardner White. We scored this rug at Big Lots for $50 - love that! We transported the ceiling fan, lamp and wall decor on the yellow wall from our master bedroom in the condo and acquired the 42' flatscreen when we bought a new bed. Along with the fireplace (also bought by my mother) and bookshelves from Wal Mart ($17) - the room is complete.

We will add crown moulding eventually and would like to get a matching chair to complete the room.

Day 4 & 5 - Pure Cardio & Plyometric Circuit

Day 4- Ok, so- I'm actually beginning to notice an improvement already!!! I made it almost all the way through the warm- up without stopping! (and let me assure you the warm-up is brutal). Fred- however, stopped completely after the warm up and I believe his words were- "F*ck this- I'm done!" lol. Well I pushed all the way through (the hardest of the week according to the demon instructor).

Day 5- To finish out the week, we went back to the Plyometric circuit from day one. Plyo- basically means jump training. I thought I'd be all smart and eat a big breakfast to fuel up for the workout...bad idea. I made it through... but not without, well...I believe you can guess...Fred finished out the week strong...I informed him we'll also be going for a walk later : )

Week one is complete- I am incredibly exhausted and sore- but so proud of myself. I really do love working out (crazy I know)- I just hope I can keep it up. Its difficult to workout and look around at all the laundry that needs to be done and kitchen that needs to be cleaned...not to mention all the renovations we are still doing on the house. But, when it comes right down to it- that all can wait. No one will die if the laundry doesn't get folded or some dishes pile up in the sink.

Putting myself first comes with its share of guilt especially when it comes to my Dad. But, guilt is useless and I deserve as much as he (or anyone else) does. I refuse to sacrifice my health or my happiness anymore. I need to be clear about my choices in life and my boundaries. Who I spend time with, what I expose myself to and how much I do for others- is a choice. I refuse to let myself be a victim to guilt anymore. I will do the very best I can, while taking care of myself first...and if what I'm doing is not good enough for someone else...well now I guess that's their problem.

The only person I need to answer to, is myself.

Tomorrow- rest day : )

Insanity- Day 2 & 3- Power and Recovery

Day Two- Power (resistence) = some more craziness!!! I started this day off with a 1.2 mile walk at 6am and did my Insanity workout after I got home from work. For today's torture not only are you jumping around until you want to puke but now the guy is telling you to squat as far down as you can...and then catapult yourself into the air as high as you can...seriously!?!?
Well, we were VERY sore during this workout from day one- but we did the best we could. I actually collapsed onto the floor and Fred about tripped over me. But...we finished!!!

Day Three- Cardio Recovery. Well when I woke up this morning and went to step towards the door I almost fell flat on my face...my calves would not budge!!! So, for the remainder of the day every single time I went to walk- I had to stretch my calves first LOL!
Today was the "recovery" day...ahem...I don't think this guy knows what recovery means. Basically, it was 33 minutes of yoga, balance moves and about 70 squats and lunges...with pulses of 16 every 16...yeah, ouch! I also got up early this morning and did Ab Ripper X (P90X). I'm finding that while Insanity is an amazing cardio and full body workout- I don't think it hits the abs all that well- so I thought I'd ad some more in.

Tomorrow- Pure Cardio....yay : (

Insanity- Day 1- Plyo Circuit

Ok- during this workout I wanted to throw up twice...almost passed out once and I am pretty sure I won't be able to walk tomorrow. But, I am proud of myself. And Fred did awesome!

Hardest part for me- my left calf (the leg with the clot) locked up after the warm-up...yup after the warm-up (which is, in and of itself, a workout)- so it was hard for me to do the jumping moves- I had to take most moves down to a lower intensity. But I kicked ass in the abs and could keep up pretty well on the drills.

Hardest part for Fred- the suicide drills (yup, you read that right). Basically jumping down and back into a push-up position, doing 4 speed push-ups, 8 mountain climbers and then jumping back up...just to do it all over again as fast as you can without a break...but he kicked ass in endurance and needed fewer rests than I did.

Day two- resistance circuit...and maybe some ibuprofen.

T minus 24 hours...

Who knew? Who really would ever think that I would have so much in common with Jillian Michaels? Really- its kinda freaky. Only child, parents divorced at age 12- sought solice in food until her 5'2" frame ballooned to 175 pounds. Also, sought solice in older men and fake IDs (sorry mom). Eventually, Jillian found her way to martial arts and the pounds started to fall...her physical body is a manifestation of her emotional well-being. Ok, so- did she read my diary or something?

Not only is she loud-mouthed and stubborn- she does it hard, really hard, all the way...or its not good enough...and she expects the same stead-fast determination from everyone else. I'm sorry Fred, I really am...

So- tomorrow the Insanity begins. Not Jillian Michaels insanity- dare I say, it seems way worse. A commitment to the hardest workout ever put on DVD and the beginning of the hardest, most effective diet.
First, of all let me say- just watching the DVD made me want to throw up. No exaggeration- I was nauseated and had to stop the DVD. I looked over at Fred and his exact words were, "I think we've got ourselves in over our heads here."

Well- we're going for it- 60 days- hopefully my next post won't be from a hospital bed : )

Ms. Fatty McFat from Fat Town!!!

Ah, here we are - Spring, the weather is getting warmer...the trees outside our new house are beginning to bud. Life is good here in our new home. Fred's work is going well, I am having increasing opportunity at my job. My heath has been ok- my leg has been giving me trouble on and off but for the most part nothing too major. Life seems...well, pretty awesome.

There is only one problem.

And I am very aware of this problem.

I let myself get fat again.

I know, laugh, its ok- the word fat usually makes people laugh...I'm not really sure why- if you've ever gained an unwanted 10 lbs you know how uncomfortable you become...well I've packed on an extra 30. Yupper, 3-0. Yeah, I know, that's a 38 week along pregnant woman...well I can assure you...no bun in the oven here.

There are many contributing factors to this problem. First of all, adjusting to working full time and a 45-50 minute commute each way has taken its toll- most of my days are 10 hours long, at best, and even if I have the energy its hard to find the time to work out as often as I need to- I know, I know- wait until I have kids right?

Also, life is stressful...I'm talking about drug addictions, alcoholism, tumors, amputations of random body parts, life-threatening organ failure- all in one year- kind of stress...

But, numero uno problem- I. LOVE. TO. EAT. Period.
...and I know I'm not alone here...however, in order to eat (a typical diet) and avoid weight gain I usually need to log about 7 hours a week in the gym, running, squatting and crunching...and watch what I eat meticulously during the week- only splurging on weekends.

I'm happy- I eat. I'm upset- I eat. I'm sad...you get the picture...if you've ever see that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda pulls the cake out of the garbage to get just one more bite...and has to spray Windex on the cake to keep from eating it...I laughed so hard, not from the obsurdity of it, but from the familiarity.

I see other women out there that never have to count and watch and calculate how much weight a piece of cake will cost them...I envy and loathe every single one of them...and the sad thing is, most of them don't realize how lucky they are, or how much freedom they have! Having Celiac Disease only adds to this frustration...

But I know women with rocking-ass bodies that work there asses off to get it...and not only do I respect them for it- I want to BE THEM. I felt I was close once...2005- I was a size 6
(now I'm a 12) and in the best shape of my life...I want that again. That feeling of lightness, strength, endurance, happiness...and not about the size I wear (we all know that doesn't really matter)- I want to look as happy as I am and I want to stop being self-conscience of my body...and to be perfectly honest I just want all my fucking clothes to fit again!!!

I started back on the journey last summer and was doing really well...but I'm famous for falling off that wagon and the results recently have been much more drastic then ever before...is this why getting old sucks so bad?!?!

Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that I am diving into something I have never tried before...I hope it doesn't land me in the hospital...but I think it might just be the ticket...I really hope so...I know my friends, family and husband love me regardless- but I want to love me, and right now I am proud of myself but I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I have it in me to do it- I once weighed 191 pound and wore a size 16. I can do this, I know I can. I just need to find my way back to that place...

I'll let you know when the insanity begins : )

Getting it together

A month into our new home and we are finally making head-way in getting it all together. It was surprising to me how long it has been taking to unpack! We want to put everything in its right place and that is taking awhile... We ended up getting a new sectional sofa as a gift from my mother and all new appliances were part of our loan. We also needed a new bed and ended up getting that as well. So, all and all things are coming together beautifully and we are very happy.

Tired and sore and busy...but happy.

I am also glad we went with the size and style house we did- we are finding our utility bills are equal, or less, than they were at the condo! So at the end of the month (and with our renters) we are about breaking even! Unbelievable! We are realizing we did the right thing financially. We wanted a house, but we didn't want more debt and so far it seems things are working out just as we hoped...sure we could have gotten more (and there is nothing wrong with that), but the peace of mind that comes with knowing we can afford our home, and not struggle to pay our bills every month, is awesome!

Some details of the house- our granite sink, extra deep

new stove and microwave

new fridge

entertainment center- we got a free 42' flatscreen TV when we bought our new bed and my mom had bought us this lovely electric fireplace...and since the entertainment stands are crazy expensive, we bought some shelves for $17 and made our own center- I love it and it saved us about $300!

bathroom- nothing too new here- went with the clear shower curtain and starting to put up some pictures and stuff...

and the master bedroom- still need to put up the crown molding but it is coming together. I am very happy with the color combo we went with, although I wish the grey was a bit cooler, the red reflects off of it and it looks pink- ugh! may need to fix that soon... : )